Food for Thought...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I always try to stop and think of a few things that I am thankful for each year, but I have to admit that I usually take a lot more for granted than I acknowledge my gratitude for. The other day I stumbled across this blog and it knocked me flat on my fanny. I sat in my chair by the window reading the posts on this site and sobbing hysterically. In the aftermath, I find myself much more grateful this year than I have ever been in my life. Because I realize all that I have to be thankful for. This sweet mother who lost her 7 month old baby to a liver disease (I think) puts it so well when she says that she would give anything to have spit up in her hair again. How many times have I lost my temper over stupid things like being spit up on? At least I still have the precious baby that spit up on me!

So, on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I will hug each one of my kids a little tighter. I will breath in the smell of my sweet little Owen as he is snuggled on my shoulder. I will not get frustrated at changing the twelfth poopy diaper of the day, or changing my clothes for the third time after being spit up on. I will cherish every quiet moment I have to hold and rock my little baby who will only be little for so long. I will remember to breathe when something doesn't go quite how I would like it to. I will try really hard not to yell at my kids for doing something that (though it may be irritating) is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things! Most of all, I will remember to thank my gracious Father in Heaven for giving me these four rambunctious, funny, adorable, HEALTHY spirits to raise and enjoy.

I hope you all can take a minute to be thankful for all that you have as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Mother of FOUR...

So, when we found out we were expecting our fourth child...I must admit, I had NO IDEA what was in store! For me, adjusting to the birth of my second child was much more difficult than adjusting to the birth of my third. So, with that in mind, I assumed that adding a fourth would be similar to adding the third...well, we all know what assuming does!! I love my little Owen...but he really likes to be held...and he really likes to suck...but he won't take a binky...so he spends a lot of time sucking on my finger! (I know it's a little weird, but I always make sure my hands are clean and it is often the only thing that will sooth him...whatever works, right??)

I used to feel like I was able to stay on top of household things, like laundry and dishes and vacuuming...NOT ANYMORE!! My laundry room is OVERFLOWING with dirty clothes, the counter top is OVERFLOWING with dirty dishes and my floor is COVERED in dog hair! I can manage to get the clothes clean (with a LOT of help from my laundry fairy, Dillon) but it seems impossible to get it all folded and put away! I can get a load of dishes into the dishwasher and started, but then I cook another meal and the counter fills again before I can get the first batch unloaded and put away. And vacuuming...we won't even go there! My Grandma used to have an embroidered sign that hung in her house that said, "My house was clean yesterday...sorry you missed it!" and it never made much sense to me because I remember her house was always clean! Now I get it! She raised four children too! As I type this, I am holding a squeaking baby and typing with one hand!

So, maybe I will invest in a whole lot of disposable dishes...and maybe we will all just have to wear dirty clothes...at least for the next 6 months or so! Good thing this squeaky baby is so cute! He makes it all worth it!!

He's Finally Here!!

For all of those who don't know, our 4th child, Owen Chance Ellis, joined our family at 1:32 AM on Sept. 27th! He was in a BIG hurry to get here! I woke up feeling my first real contractions shortly after 1 AM and he was born half an hour later! (For the complete story you can go here, trust me, it's worth the read!) He weighed 8 lbs, 6 oz and was 20 inches long. Our biggest baby by almost a pound! He is fitting in very well with our family. All the kids (yes, even Kaylie) love him to pieces! They are always asking if they can hold the baby or touch the baby or kiss the baby. Kaylie calls him "baby Omen" which I think is really adorable, especially in her little helium voice!! :) My recovery is going well. I am currently fighting a UTI, but hopefully once that clears up I will be almost back to normal.

I am feeling very thoughtful the past few days. It's hard to explain my feelings...it's no secret that I pretty much hated being pregnant for the last three months or so, but looking back now, I wish I would have tried to relax and enjoy it just a little more. After all, I'll probably never get that chance again. We are ready to move on to the next stage of our lives, raising and teaching and enjoying our kiddos as they grow, but the baby stage is done now. I am really grateful that we decided to do HypnoBirthing this time around. Owen's birth was such an amazing, spiritual, intimate, empowering experience. I truly wish I could have done that with all of my other babies! I wish I could have experienced this labor/delivery for a little bit longer than I did (32 mins isn't very long to labor!) just to say that I got to use some of the amazing relaxation techniques that I learned and to really take control of my body. I almost feel like I cheated a little bit and didn't have to work for this baby! :) But I wouldn't trade this experience for the world and Owen is such a perfect result! I am having a hard time letting go of this experience. My HypnoBirthing practice schedule is still up on my fridge. I can't bring myself to take down the friendly reminder to relax daily and practice my breathing and to work with my husband regularly to achieve the most favorable outcome possible from this labor. I was so excited to be done...and now I find myself crying because I don't want to let go...(stupid hormones)!

So, the long and short of this post I guess...Through this experience I have learned that I am a strong person and I can do hard things! I birthed a baby on the living room floor! (If you didn't click on the link and read the story, you missed all that!) Owen is a perfect little blessing from a very loving Heavenly Father. I hope I can live up to His trust and expectations by raising a strong little boy, a worthy Missionary, and a caring, devoted husband and father. I hope he turns out to be like his own Dad who stood right by my side through this whole thing. I love you Ben. And I love you too, Owen! I am so excited to get to know you!

36 weeks & 6 days...but who's counting really?

I will be 37 weeks pregnant on Sunday. I am SOOOOOO ready to be done! There are times that I love being pregnant. I love to feel the baby wiggle and kick. I love having an excuse to eat a little extra of my favorite things! And, let's be honest, when my belly is huge, my boobs look a LOT smaller! :) However, when I get to this point, it gets to be a little much for me. My hips and back are extremely painful, especially at night. I feel like I am constantly trying to catch my breath, and my heart races when I do something as simple as walk up the stairs. The heartburn is ridiculous...oh, and I am really tired of getting up every two hours to pee...

I know I shouldn't complain. I truly feel blessed that my body can do amazing things, like grow an entire human being, but at the end, it's just so darn uncomfortable! I am just super anxious to get this little one here, meet him/her, and start getting my body back...so here's to hoping that this baby will come sooner rather than later and certainly not any later than Sept 25th, which is the actual due date!!

32 Weeks...and counting!

Well, I am officially 32 weeks pregnant! I went to the Midwife this morning and I am measuring 33 cm (hopefully that means a baby that will come a little bit earlier than later!) and things look good! The placenta previa from before is gone. Like I said...90% chance that it will move up and out of the way, which it did! Baby is head down and fluid levels are great! I feel pretty good (aside from hip/lower back discomfort that is oh so common for me during pregnancy!)

I can't believe how fast the time has flown this pregnancy...I only have 8 weeks left (if that) and that seems crazy to me!! We have been trying to get everything ready for the new baby. Kaylie is now downstairs with the boys in the "big kid room" and is settling in there. Some nights are a little difficult for the three of them (meaning mostly Kaylie) to settle down, but for the most part, they are all adjusting well. Once the baby is born and we know the gender, there will be some room adjusting in the future, but this works for now!

The kids are getting excited! They love to feel the baby kick and move when they sit on my lap or snuggle with me (since, let's be honest, I don't have much of a lap left)! Ben is feeling much better after his appendectomy three weeks ago, for which I am very grateful! He was even able to help me paint the nursery! :) And he loved every second of it! But it looks so cute! I will add pictures when I get the room put back together! The boys were such a big help with the painting and furniture rearranging! They are so sweet, I can't believe how lucky I am!

So, here's to the next eight weeks...may we get everything that we can ready for this blessed occasion! I can't wait to meet our new little one and hold him/her in my arms!

A Pensive Day...

I find myself lost in thought today...thoughts of a new baby (who is starting to kick so hard that it takes my breath away sometimes!), thoughts of my other three wonderful children, thoughts of my amazing husband, thoughts of my childhood (some good, most not so pleasant)...my list could go on and on really...and I feel the need to sort them out. So here I go. Please feel free to skip this post if you'd like, it will mostly be me rambling and will probably get boring! I will not take offense, I promise!

New baby on the way...let's just be honest...little bit terrified about this prospect! Excited, yes; blessed, yes; humbled, beyond belief; but also scared. I am not the world's most patient person! I lose my temper at the drop of a hat (and over the stupidest things...my poor kids). I don't deal well with change, or lack of sleep, or the self consciousness that comes with a very rapidly growing body. When we first got married there was much discussion and the conclusion was made that four would be the perfect number of children for our family. Now that I am faced with just that scenario...I find myself doubting that I can really do this! I already feel crazy outnumbered! I find myself uttering silent prayers on a very regular basis begging for the strength and mental stamina to do this.We had our ultrasound a few weeks ago and found out that I have placenta previa, (my placenta is covering the opening to my uterus blocking the baby's way out) which, after much discussion and research, is potentially a very minor deal. There is about a 90% chance that it will move up and out of the baby's way by the time the baby is due. I am trying really hard to just relax and not dwell on this. After all, there is NOTHING that I can do to change this situation. But it makes me just a little nervous to think that my plans for a totally natural birth may be changing. (See previous statement about not handling change well!) So, until my follow up ultrasound in 4 and a half weeks (not that I'm counting), I am just trying to have positive thoughts and affirmations that everything will be fine! The baby looks perfect! Good, strong heart, fully formed spine, good looking brain, no cleft lip or pallet...you know, all the important stuff! So I will focus on that! But any positive thoughts/prayers you want to send my way would be appreciated!

My other three kids...I am so lucky and blessed to be "Mom" to these three incredible spirits! They keep me on my toes! It never ceases to amaze me that the same combination of genetic material can produce such vastly different outcomes! :) Evan is my little brainiac! He loves to read and write. He comes up with some of the most creative ideas for stories! I often find him reading stories to Kaylie (she will ask him to read to her before she will ask me sometimes!) He is such a caring, considerate big brother! Dillon is my little tender heart. He is so snuggly! He loves to be my big helper. He especially likes helping me with the laundry and coming to the grocery store with me! I can always count on Dillon for a cuddle and a sweet smile if I've had a hard day. And my little princess! Kaylie is such a sweet girl! I can't believe how fast she is learning and growing. I feel like I missed out on so much of that while I was working. It's like I blinked and she wasn't a baby anymore...She loves her big brothers! She has a hard time going to bed at night if they aren't there to sing her songs and give her kisses! I find myself wishing I could freeze time and just savor every little thing that they do...they are growing and changing so fast.

You know, after listing their most sweet attributes, I am getting more excited to see how they interact with a new little one! There will be some rough adjustments ahead I am sure, but I have no doubt that this new little one was meant to be a part of our family and I know that Heavenly Father will bless us all (even Kaylie!) with the extra room in our hearts for this precious addition!

My amazing husband...I am so blessed to have Ben in my life! I lost sight of that blessing for a while and I am grateful every day for the miracle of his selfless love, patience, forgiveness and willingness to let go of the past and move forward. He is such a wonderful daddy! I think we balance each other out quite nicely and I am so lucky to have him to share this parenting journey with!!

I think I will wrap this up before it gets too long!! Thank you for letting me vent! It is amazing how clear my thoughts become when I sort through them and put them all out there! It really helps me find and focus on the positive things! I really am looking forward to this next step in my little journey through this life!!

Hypnobirthing...and such

As some of you may know, we are expecting baby number four! This was a total surprise for us...since we had pretty much decided that Kaylie would be our last (you know, since she has such an easygoing and mild-mannered personality and all...) and I made the mistake of saying, out loud to Ben, "If we do have another one it will have to be a surprise because I'm done!" Famous last words right? Blasted Karma...

So, our new little treasure will be joining our family in late September! This will be our last baby (oh yes, yes it will) and Ben and I wanted a whole different experience this time.

Now, don't get me wrong; I have never had a bad birth experience. All three of my kids were born without major complications. I had an epidural with all three and never had a bad reaction to it. I had relatively quick recoveries with the 2nd and 3rd deliveries. But through the whole experience and looking back on it now, I felt like an observer in the birth process. I was basically trapped on my back in a bed strapped to various monitors and iv's and medications and such...I couldn't really feel to push or anything...and looking back, I just didn't feel like I participated in the birth very much.

Enter good friend who has had both of her babies using Hypnobirthing...

She raves about this process. It is amazing and wonderful and empowering...Hmmm...

So Ben and I started looking into this. We have been participating in a Hypnobirthing class for about three or four weeks now and I have to admit, I am excited! After our first class, I felt really good about this! I know what you may be thinking.."Hypnobirthing? Is she crazy? What kind of voodoo is that?" I was a little iffy at first too, but it isn't anything crazy at all! It's just about trusting our bodies to do what God intended them to do without medical intervention. It's all about helping my body do this in the easiest, safest way for both me and the baby. It's about listening to my body and actually participating in the birth by moving and breathing. It's about my freedom to have this baby how I want and not how the Dr. or hospital thinks I should! I had my first appointment with the midwives today...and they are great! She said that about 60-70% of their ladies give birth naturally and that Ben can even help deliver the baby if he wants! Yeah, gown and gloves and catch the baby...how cool is that!?! So, I am really starting to see how my friend could think this is amazing and empowering! My brother is already making fun of me...but who cares, right? He ain't having no baby! :) I kind of can't wait!

Oh, and we are also not finding out what gender the baby is, so don't ask! (It's hard enough!) :)

So, this is my new journey...wish me luck! This is gonna' be amazing!

30 Days of Truth

Ok, I am just going to go through and answer the questions that I really like, or that I feel are more thought provoking...because obviously, I am no good at the daily thing!

So the next question I am going to answer is this:

Someone you didn't want to let go of, but you just drifted...

Growing up I had two really good friends. One was a girl who lived across the street, her name is Malia, and the other was a girl in my church class who's birthday was two weeks before mine who lived one street away. Her name is Chelsey. I pretty much spent as much time as possible with these girls! If I wasn't at Chelsey's, I was at Malia's or visa versa. I knew both of their families very well and greatly respected both of their parents. They were all such good people!!

Just before we started Junior High, Chelsey moved to Springville (funny, that's where I ended up!) and we just couldn't spend as much time together. She, of course, made new friends (she is such a fun, bubbly girl!) and we just drifted...we kept in touch for a while, but it was hard. We were young teenagers with no driver's licenses or cars!! :)

Malia and I stayed closer for longer. We used to walk together almost every morning in the summers. When we were about 15 or 16 years old, they divided our ward boundaries. Our street and the two next streets over were cut out of the old ward and put into an existing ward. I didn't take it so well. Malia was pretty much the only thing that kept me going to church. When high school came around, I decided to go to an out of boundary High School, which meant that Malia and I wouldn't be attending the same school. I think this is when we kind of started to go our separate ways. We still lived across the street from each other and would still talk, but we both were busy high school students and no longer had much extra time to spend together. When I was a senior in high school, we moved away from that neighborhood and that was pretty much the end.

Looking back now, I feel kind of selfish. I could have made more time for my friend. We lived twenty steps away from each other. But I was young and absorbed in the drama that was my high school life.

Malia's father passed away shortly after we moved. My mom and I came back as soon as we heard and went to comfort Malia, her sister and her mom. (Her brother was serving a mission in Canada). I remember feeling so helpless. I was heartbroken. Malia's dad was amazing. I remember listening to him sit on their front porch on warm summer nights playing his ukulele or guitar and singing Hawaiian songs. He made shaved ice every summer and sold it to all the neighborhood kids (though he would usually give me one or two for free :)) He was always so willing to serve anyone in need. He taught his children to work hard and he was such a wonderful example of a friend and father. I was feeling a tremendous loss, and I couldn't fathom the loss that my dear friend was feeling. I was unsure of what to say to comfort her. I just felt lost as I watched her hug her mom and sister as they all cried together. After that, we just drifted. Malia moved to New York to pursue her career. She still lives there. She has a very clever blog that I look in on every so often. She always was a fantastic writer!

So, if I could do it all again, I would make so much more of an effort to stay in touch with both of these amazing women. There were many times in my life that I could have used the love and support of my closest childhood friends. I know they are both doing very well, but I wish I could say that we have re-kindled our friendships. I am afraid too much time has gone by. I still think very highly of them both and remember them with incredible fondness. To Malia and Chelsey, wherever you are; thank you for those many years of friendship and love that you gave to me. The many nights of girly sleepover fun, the many times you lent a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for secrets. I am sorry for any stupid things I ever did or said, and for things that I never did or said that I should have. I hope you are both well, and I love you.

30 Days of Truth...Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for...

Him...

Her...

Him...

And him...

And them...

And definitely them...

I think you get the idea!! My family means the whole world to me! Without them, I wouldn't be half the person I am. I love them all more than words can begin to describe and am so blessed and grateful that Heavenly Father gave them to ME!!

30 Days of Truth...Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do...

This one is definitely something I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that I never have to do...

Bury one of my kids...

I have felt this way for a long time...even before I had kids. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It just seems so grossly unfair. Children have so much life in them. So much potential. So much promise. It shouldn't have to be snuffed out before it even begins. I would give anything and I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G to keep this from happening if it was at all within my power.

I have a huge amount of respect for people who have to suffer through this trial. They are so very inspiring to me.

Each of my children is so special to me in so many different ways. I can't imagine my life without them in it for even a second. I hope and pray that I never have to experience that. My thoughts and prayers are with those people who do have to go through that trial for one reason or another.

30 Days of Truth; Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life...

Ok, this one...super easy!! I hope to, one day, be able to travel wherever and whenever I want with my family. I really want to own a house on the Carolina shore where we go every summer and play on the beach till our hearts content! I want to wake up early and gather sea shells on the beach with cute, bare toed kids and crazy dogs!

I want to travel to Europe and show my kids all the amazing history that is there. Visit some castles, you know, cool things like that!

I want to take my kids to every Disney park there is...like Euro Disney and such...'cuz who doesn't love Chinese Mickey, right?

Mostly I just want the freedom to be able to do these things. To not be tied to a job, mortgage, etc. For me or Ben. That would be my dream come true!!

If you want to see my perfect answer to this question go here because she explains it so eloquently...we already planned that we are buying beach homes in the same neighborhood...our little boys are quite good friends...

30 Days of Truth; Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone else for...

This one is pretty easy...not to forgive the person, but to know who/what to write about!

Ben's ex-boss.

Most of you know that Ben left his former job about a year ago. For the last two months or so of his employment there, she made his life H.E.**. She was bitter and back biting. She was manipulative and mean. She was extremely selfish and childish and immature. She did and said the rudest things. My husband is a pretty tough guy, but he came home nearly in tears on a few occasions because of something she had done or said. She had always been such a good "friend" (I use the term loosely) and for her to turn around and stab him in the back like she did was Just. Not. Cool. In my opinion, she was trying to bully him into quitting so that she wouldn't have to fire him (for something that he didn't even do...)So when he finally did quit, then she was all sunshine and kittens and "I'm so sorry that things ended this way" and "I miss you so much, you always made me laugh so hard"...but never "I'm sorry I treated you like poo" or "I'm sorry I acted like a complete and total turd"

Looking back at the whole ugly thing, it is actually better that he left. He (and our whole family as a result) is much happier. He has been able to pursue things that he wouldn't have been able to before, and, for the most part, things around our home really are a lot better. I know this. I usually don't have issues with it. I am totally at peace with where we are right now and the things that are happening in our life, but every time someone gets me going about her...you just better watch out because I start spitting nails!!! This I know I shouldn't do. I need to just let it go because we really are better off...but I have such a hard time with the way she treated him and then the way she just pretended like it never happened.

I guess more than anything, it just hurts. She was my friend too, or at least I thought she was. She knew the situation that our family was in and she still chose to do the things she did and say the things she said, with complete disregard to us and our feelings. Anyway, I am working on it. I really am trying to let bygones be bygones and just move on. I remind myself all the time how much better things are now and that helps. In all honesty, I am pretty sure she was encouraged to act the way she did by another ex boss of Ben's (who also happens to be her ex husband), but the bottom line is that she had the choice to listen to that influence or act for herself and we know what she chose. 'Nuff said.

30 Days of Truth; Day 3

Something you need to forgive yourself for...

I've thought about this one a lot...There are a lot of things that I should forgive myself for, but there's one in particular that is really hard for me to let go of...

When I was a senior in High school, our Choir went on tour to San Fransisco. Ben and I started dating that year and he somehow managed to make his way on Choir tour, even though he wasn't in choir...(I honestly don't remember how he did, but I was thrilled!) My awesome mom...my working full time to help support our family and pay for this choir tour mom...took time off of work to come and be a chaperon on this trip. I was excited. I love my mom. However, once we got to California and all checked in to the hotel, I completely forgot that my mother even existed. Yeah... me the bratty teenager...ditched my own mom in a strange city and went off to play with my friends and my boyfriend. Yup, I am that selfish. She even called after me at one outing, but did I stop? Nope, kept right on going. I don't remember hearing her call after me, but several witnesses said she did and I am pretty sure they're right...I guess I had selective hearing that day...We spent the day at Six Flags and every time I saw someone from my choir group they would say, "Hey, Laura, your Mom is looking for you," and I would say "Okay," thinking in the back of my mind that it was no big deal and I would run in to her eventually. I never did, until we were getting on the bus to go back to the hotel. I could tell that she wasn't very happy with me. And guess what I did? Went to the back of the bus and sat with Ben. Yeah, I kind of suck.

This whole thing causes me guilt to no end. I still get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it and it was 13 years ago. I have even apologized to her, and she has forgiven me, but I still feel like poo about it!

So, I need to come to grips with the fact that it was THIRTEEN years ago and my sweet Mom has probably totally forgotten about it. I need to forget about it too...any advice?

30 Days of Truth...Day 2

Something you love about yourself...

K, gotta' be honest, not loving this one too much. Much easier for me to continue on with the last one and add to the list...but the purpose behind this whole project is to really dig deep, so I'll bite the bullet...here goes...

Umm, let's see...my first instinct is to write that I love my husband and my kids...but that's not really something about myself...so then my mind wanders to physical things about myself, (which we already know from the last post that I am not too fond of myself physically...with the exception of my feet. I have really cute feet! :)) So where does that leave me? Oh, I know!

I LOVE that I was able to carry three beautiful children inside of my own body and bring their sweet spirits into this world. I love that I didn't get sick...like not at all...when I was pregnant. I love that I felt a special connection with each of my precious little bundles before they were even a part of this crazy existence! I remember feeling their little flutters and kicks and punches and somersaults and realizing that Ben and I had worked together to create these magical little creatures, and being so grateful that my body was able to do this wonderful amazing thing!!

And I LOVE being a mother! And, I think I'm a pretty decent mother...if I do say so myself. It's hard while I am working to feel like the best mom, but I know that my kids know that I love them. I am still the one they ask for when they are sad, or hurt, or just needing a little extra love and that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right! Are my kids perfect? Umm, no way! But we sure try to teach them right from wrong and to be polite and grateful. Am I a perfect Mom? DEFINITELY not!! (Like not even close!) But I love that I can admit when I am wrong and be the first one to apologize when there has been a "mis-communication" in our family. My kids know that Mom and Dad make mistakes too and that it's okay to make mistakes.

So...there you have it. Something I love about myself is that I got to be a vessel to bring some pretty amazing spirits into this life and now I get to be their Mom. And I think that's pretty amazing!

30 Days of Truth, {Day 1}

Something you dislike about yourself...

Wow...this is a good one to start with. I can think of a whole laundry list of things to answer this question!! I'll just share a few that I am really trying to work on improving right now though.

My self image, particularly body image-

I am really my own worst enemy. I judge myself more harshly than any other person would judge me and more harshly than I would judge any other person, though I try not to judge other people at all...I have "struggled" with weight my entire life. My nick names as a child were "cheeks" and "thunder thighs." Nice, right? Anyway, I grew up having a complete complex about...you guessed it...my cheeks and thighs. I know, logically, that these names were not meant to be hurtful. I had jowls like a bull dog as a child. People thought it was adorable. But it stopped being adorable around third grade. I always felt like I never lost those "chipmunk cheeks" and so, have always been self conscious about my face. The thighs...I'm only 5' 2" so there isn't a lot of room for the weight in my legs to be distributed...therefore it ends up around my thighs. 'Nuff said.

I am working on this "weight issue." The trouble with this is that I am an EXTREMELY impatient person. I kind of like instant results. I sometimes think of the girl in the red dress on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...Varuca I think her name is...that sings the "I want it now" song...yeah, that's kinda like me. I know I can't have everything that I want right now. I know that I most likely will never get EVERY thing that I want, but it's hard to not want the instant results. So I begin this inner battle on a frequent basis. I set a goal. I make a plan to achieve said goal. I begin an exercise routine, or Weight Watchers, or whatever my decided method may be. I am great for about a week. However, when I don't drop 15 lbs in that week (you know, biggest loser style) then the whole process becomes worthless and I am unsuccessful and a failure and blah blah blah down the self loathing spiral I go until I am sitting on the couch with a tub of Ben and Jerry's wondering why I ever bothered in the first place. Pathetic, right? "Losing weight the healthy way takes time," you might say. "You gave up too soon," you might also say. These things I am aware of. In my brain, they make sense. It's a matter of transferring this logic to my self destructive sub conscious. A matter of mind over matter if you will.

So, I am currently in week two of my newest resolve to achieve my ideal weight. I get up between 5 and 5:30 most days of the week and walk/run on the treadmill for 30-40 minutes while I watch Tivo'd episodes of NCIS. Have I been perfect in my efforts? No, no I haven't. I may or may not have gorged myself the other night on greasy noodles from Tepanyaki (they do take out now!!) And I may or may not have eaten five bite sized candy bars from my child's Christmas stocking...But, I am finding that if I just take it one day at a time and try not to think so much about the 20 lbs that I want to lose and just focus on doing what I need to do to get me through today, I do better. So I am trying not to get too wrapped up in the final goal and just relish in the fact that if I get up and exercise I feel so much better for that day. And if I happen to skip a day of exercise or eat a candy bar...or two...it doesn't make me a bad person or a complete failure. I just have to reassert myself the next day. One day at a time...

That answer was a lot longer than I was planning on, so I think I'll leave it at that. I think that "One Day at a Time" should be my new mantra. Maybe I'll get it tattooed somewhere on my body...

30 Days of Truth...{the list}

I am starting a new blog. I have a family blog (that admittedly doesn't get updated as often as it should) but I'd like this blog to be more of a journal for myself (since my real journal doesn't get "updated" as often as it should either!) So I thought this would be a great way to start! I saw it on my friend's blog and really liked the idea! You're supposed to answer one question a week, but that would take a really long time...so I'll probably do it more frequently than that, assuming I actually post!

Want to play along? This may be tough!!

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band (or artist) that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it.
Day 16: Something or someone you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage {yikes!}
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you fought an hour beforehand, what do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs (just list Song and artist and a letter.)
Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What's the best thing for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself; tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.