30 Days of Truth...Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do...

This one is definitely something I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that I never have to do...

Bury one of my kids...

I have felt this way for a long time...even before I had kids. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It just seems so grossly unfair. Children have so much life in them. So much potential. So much promise. It shouldn't have to be snuffed out before it even begins. I would give anything and I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G to keep this from happening if it was at all within my power.

I have a huge amount of respect for people who have to suffer through this trial. They are so very inspiring to me.

Each of my children is so special to me in so many different ways. I can't imagine my life without them in it for even a second. I hope and pray that I never have to experience that. My thoughts and prayers are with those people who do have to go through that trial for one reason or another.

30 Days of Truth; Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life...

Ok, this one...super easy!! I hope to, one day, be able to travel wherever and whenever I want with my family. I really want to own a house on the Carolina shore where we go every summer and play on the beach till our hearts content! I want to wake up early and gather sea shells on the beach with cute, bare toed kids and crazy dogs!

I want to travel to Europe and show my kids all the amazing history that is there. Visit some castles, you know, cool things like that!

I want to take my kids to every Disney park there is...like Euro Disney and such...'cuz who doesn't love Chinese Mickey, right?

Mostly I just want the freedom to be able to do these things. To not be tied to a job, mortgage, etc. For me or Ben. That would be my dream come true!!

If you want to see my perfect answer to this question go here because she explains it so eloquently...we already planned that we are buying beach homes in the same neighborhood...our little boys are quite good friends...

30 Days of Truth; Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone else for...

This one is pretty easy...not to forgive the person, but to know who/what to write about!

Ben's ex-boss.

Most of you know that Ben left his former job about a year ago. For the last two months or so of his employment there, she made his life H.E.**. She was bitter and back biting. She was manipulative and mean. She was extremely selfish and childish and immature. She did and said the rudest things. My husband is a pretty tough guy, but he came home nearly in tears on a few occasions because of something she had done or said. She had always been such a good "friend" (I use the term loosely) and for her to turn around and stab him in the back like she did was Just. Not. Cool. In my opinion, she was trying to bully him into quitting so that she wouldn't have to fire him (for something that he didn't even do...)So when he finally did quit, then she was all sunshine and kittens and "I'm so sorry that things ended this way" and "I miss you so much, you always made me laugh so hard"...but never "I'm sorry I treated you like poo" or "I'm sorry I acted like a complete and total turd"

Looking back at the whole ugly thing, it is actually better that he left. He (and our whole family as a result) is much happier. He has been able to pursue things that he wouldn't have been able to before, and, for the most part, things around our home really are a lot better. I know this. I usually don't have issues with it. I am totally at peace with where we are right now and the things that are happening in our life, but every time someone gets me going about her...you just better watch out because I start spitting nails!!! This I know I shouldn't do. I need to just let it go because we really are better off...but I have such a hard time with the way she treated him and then the way she just pretended like it never happened.

I guess more than anything, it just hurts. She was my friend too, or at least I thought she was. She knew the situation that our family was in and she still chose to do the things she did and say the things she said, with complete disregard to us and our feelings. Anyway, I am working on it. I really am trying to let bygones be bygones and just move on. I remind myself all the time how much better things are now and that helps. In all honesty, I am pretty sure she was encouraged to act the way she did by another ex boss of Ben's (who also happens to be her ex husband), but the bottom line is that she had the choice to listen to that influence or act for herself and we know what she chose. 'Nuff said.

30 Days of Truth; Day 3

Something you need to forgive yourself for...

I've thought about this one a lot...There are a lot of things that I should forgive myself for, but there's one in particular that is really hard for me to let go of...

When I was a senior in High school, our Choir went on tour to San Fransisco. Ben and I started dating that year and he somehow managed to make his way on Choir tour, even though he wasn't in choir...(I honestly don't remember how he did, but I was thrilled!) My awesome mom...my working full time to help support our family and pay for this choir tour mom...took time off of work to come and be a chaperon on this trip. I was excited. I love my mom. However, once we got to California and all checked in to the hotel, I completely forgot that my mother even existed. Yeah... me the bratty teenager...ditched my own mom in a strange city and went off to play with my friends and my boyfriend. Yup, I am that selfish. She even called after me at one outing, but did I stop? Nope, kept right on going. I don't remember hearing her call after me, but several witnesses said she did and I am pretty sure they're right...I guess I had selective hearing that day...We spent the day at Six Flags and every time I saw someone from my choir group they would say, "Hey, Laura, your Mom is looking for you," and I would say "Okay," thinking in the back of my mind that it was no big deal and I would run in to her eventually. I never did, until we were getting on the bus to go back to the hotel. I could tell that she wasn't very happy with me. And guess what I did? Went to the back of the bus and sat with Ben. Yeah, I kind of suck.

This whole thing causes me guilt to no end. I still get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it and it was 13 years ago. I have even apologized to her, and she has forgiven me, but I still feel like poo about it!

So, I need to come to grips with the fact that it was THIRTEEN years ago and my sweet Mom has probably totally forgotten about it. I need to forget about it too...any advice?

30 Days of Truth...Day 2

Something you love about yourself...

K, gotta' be honest, not loving this one too much. Much easier for me to continue on with the last one and add to the list...but the purpose behind this whole project is to really dig deep, so I'll bite the bullet...here goes...

Umm, let's see...my first instinct is to write that I love my husband and my kids...but that's not really something about myself...so then my mind wanders to physical things about myself, (which we already know from the last post that I am not too fond of myself physically...with the exception of my feet. I have really cute feet! :)) So where does that leave me? Oh, I know!

I LOVE that I was able to carry three beautiful children inside of my own body and bring their sweet spirits into this world. I love that I didn't get sick...like not at all...when I was pregnant. I love that I felt a special connection with each of my precious little bundles before they were even a part of this crazy existence! I remember feeling their little flutters and kicks and punches and somersaults and realizing that Ben and I had worked together to create these magical little creatures, and being so grateful that my body was able to do this wonderful amazing thing!!

And I LOVE being a mother! And, I think I'm a pretty decent mother...if I do say so myself. It's hard while I am working to feel like the best mom, but I know that my kids know that I love them. I am still the one they ask for when they are sad, or hurt, or just needing a little extra love and that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right! Are my kids perfect? Umm, no way! But we sure try to teach them right from wrong and to be polite and grateful. Am I a perfect Mom? DEFINITELY not!! (Like not even close!) But I love that I can admit when I am wrong and be the first one to apologize when there has been a "mis-communication" in our family. My kids know that Mom and Dad make mistakes too and that it's okay to make mistakes.

So...there you have it. Something I love about myself is that I got to be a vessel to bring some pretty amazing spirits into this life and now I get to be their Mom. And I think that's pretty amazing!

30 Days of Truth, {Day 1}

Something you dislike about yourself...

Wow...this is a good one to start with. I can think of a whole laundry list of things to answer this question!! I'll just share a few that I am really trying to work on improving right now though.

My self image, particularly body image-

I am really my own worst enemy. I judge myself more harshly than any other person would judge me and more harshly than I would judge any other person, though I try not to judge other people at all...I have "struggled" with weight my entire life. My nick names as a child were "cheeks" and "thunder thighs." Nice, right? Anyway, I grew up having a complete complex about...you guessed it...my cheeks and thighs. I know, logically, that these names were not meant to be hurtful. I had jowls like a bull dog as a child. People thought it was adorable. But it stopped being adorable around third grade. I always felt like I never lost those "chipmunk cheeks" and so, have always been self conscious about my face. The thighs...I'm only 5' 2" so there isn't a lot of room for the weight in my legs to be distributed...therefore it ends up around my thighs. 'Nuff said.

I am working on this "weight issue." The trouble with this is that I am an EXTREMELY impatient person. I kind of like instant results. I sometimes think of the girl in the red dress on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...Varuca I think her name is...that sings the "I want it now" song...yeah, that's kinda like me. I know I can't have everything that I want right now. I know that I most likely will never get EVERY thing that I want, but it's hard to not want the instant results. So I begin this inner battle on a frequent basis. I set a goal. I make a plan to achieve said goal. I begin an exercise routine, or Weight Watchers, or whatever my decided method may be. I am great for about a week. However, when I don't drop 15 lbs in that week (you know, biggest loser style) then the whole process becomes worthless and I am unsuccessful and a failure and blah blah blah down the self loathing spiral I go until I am sitting on the couch with a tub of Ben and Jerry's wondering why I ever bothered in the first place. Pathetic, right? "Losing weight the healthy way takes time," you might say. "You gave up too soon," you might also say. These things I am aware of. In my brain, they make sense. It's a matter of transferring this logic to my self destructive sub conscious. A matter of mind over matter if you will.

So, I am currently in week two of my newest resolve to achieve my ideal weight. I get up between 5 and 5:30 most days of the week and walk/run on the treadmill for 30-40 minutes while I watch Tivo'd episodes of NCIS. Have I been perfect in my efforts? No, no I haven't. I may or may not have gorged myself the other night on greasy noodles from Tepanyaki (they do take out now!!) And I may or may not have eaten five bite sized candy bars from my child's Christmas stocking...But, I am finding that if I just take it one day at a time and try not to think so much about the 20 lbs that I want to lose and just focus on doing what I need to do to get me through today, I do better. So I am trying not to get too wrapped up in the final goal and just relish in the fact that if I get up and exercise I feel so much better for that day. And if I happen to skip a day of exercise or eat a candy bar...or two...it doesn't make me a bad person or a complete failure. I just have to reassert myself the next day. One day at a time...

That answer was a lot longer than I was planning on, so I think I'll leave it at that. I think that "One Day at a Time" should be my new mantra. Maybe I'll get it tattooed somewhere on my body...

30 Days of Truth...{the list}

I am starting a new blog. I have a family blog (that admittedly doesn't get updated as often as it should) but I'd like this blog to be more of a journal for myself (since my real journal doesn't get "updated" as often as it should either!) So I thought this would be a great way to start! I saw it on my friend's blog and really liked the idea! You're supposed to answer one question a week, but that would take a really long time...so I'll probably do it more frequently than that, assuming I actually post!

Want to play along? This may be tough!!

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band (or artist) that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it.
Day 16: Something or someone you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage {yikes!}
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you fought an hour beforehand, what do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs (just list Song and artist and a letter.)
Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What's the best thing for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself; tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.