30 Days of Truth, {Day 1}

Something you dislike about yourself...

Wow...this is a good one to start with. I can think of a whole laundry list of things to answer this question!! I'll just share a few that I am really trying to work on improving right now though.

My self image, particularly body image-

I am really my own worst enemy. I judge myself more harshly than any other person would judge me and more harshly than I would judge any other person, though I try not to judge other people at all...I have "struggled" with weight my entire life. My nick names as a child were "cheeks" and "thunder thighs." Nice, right? Anyway, I grew up having a complete complex about...you guessed it...my cheeks and thighs. I know, logically, that these names were not meant to be hurtful. I had jowls like a bull dog as a child. People thought it was adorable. But it stopped being adorable around third grade. I always felt like I never lost those "chipmunk cheeks" and so, have always been self conscious about my face. The thighs...I'm only 5' 2" so there isn't a lot of room for the weight in my legs to be distributed...therefore it ends up around my thighs. 'Nuff said.

I am working on this "weight issue." The trouble with this is that I am an EXTREMELY impatient person. I kind of like instant results. I sometimes think of the girl in the red dress on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...Varuca I think her name is...that sings the "I want it now" song...yeah, that's kinda like me. I know I can't have everything that I want right now. I know that I most likely will never get EVERY thing that I want, but it's hard to not want the instant results. So I begin this inner battle on a frequent basis. I set a goal. I make a plan to achieve said goal. I begin an exercise routine, or Weight Watchers, or whatever my decided method may be. I am great for about a week. However, when I don't drop 15 lbs in that week (you know, biggest loser style) then the whole process becomes worthless and I am unsuccessful and a failure and blah blah blah down the self loathing spiral I go until I am sitting on the couch with a tub of Ben and Jerry's wondering why I ever bothered in the first place. Pathetic, right? "Losing weight the healthy way takes time," you might say. "You gave up too soon," you might also say. These things I am aware of. In my brain, they make sense. It's a matter of transferring this logic to my self destructive sub conscious. A matter of mind over matter if you will.

So, I am currently in week two of my newest resolve to achieve my ideal weight. I get up between 5 and 5:30 most days of the week and walk/run on the treadmill for 30-40 minutes while I watch Tivo'd episodes of NCIS. Have I been perfect in my efforts? No, no I haven't. I may or may not have gorged myself the other night on greasy noodles from Tepanyaki (they do take out now!!) And I may or may not have eaten five bite sized candy bars from my child's Christmas stocking...But, I am finding that if I just take it one day at a time and try not to think so much about the 20 lbs that I want to lose and just focus on doing what I need to do to get me through today, I do better. So I am trying not to get too wrapped up in the final goal and just relish in the fact that if I get up and exercise I feel so much better for that day. And if I happen to skip a day of exercise or eat a candy bar...or two...it doesn't make me a bad person or a complete failure. I just have to reassert myself the next day. One day at a time...

That answer was a lot longer than I was planning on, so I think I'll leave it at that. I think that "One Day at a Time" should be my new mantra. Maybe I'll get it tattooed somewhere on my body...