Identity Crisis

A little more than 48 hours ago, I had breast reduction surgery done. My recovery is going very well. They took the drains out less than 24 hours post surgery because I was barely draining anything. I am not very bruised or swollen. I am a little tired and tender/achy, but nothing like I had imagined I would be feeling.  What I am finding is the hardest thing to adjust to is my actual breasts. They are so LITTLE!!! Just like I wanted them to be! I think even smaller than I had imagined they could be. And yet, I am finding it so weird! When I look in the mirror, it's not my body that I am looking at. Seriously...from the neck down, I don't recognize myself! They are perky, and firm, and the nipples point the right way...and they aren't mine! Am I making any sense?? I know I am really going to like them...eventually...but I am still just trying to wrap my head around the whole thing! It happened so fast when I thought it wouldn't EVER happen!  I can't wait until I can try on bras and find one that fits just right. I can't wait to see how they look in a bathing suit.  I really am going to have to do some major wardrobe updating!

So overall, things are going really well! I'm just still working on adjusting to the "new me!"

Oh, I would post before and after pictures (believe me, they are DRASTICALLY different) but I think I might get flagged for inappropriate content! :D

A New Lease

For those of you who know me well you will know that, for as long as I can remember, I have hated my boobs (yeah, that's right, I said it). I honestly don't remember having small boobs.  I was wearing a 34 C by the time I was 12, and a 34 DD by the time I graduated from High School.  With each pregnancy/birth/nursing I have increased a cup size or two (or three) and lost very little (if any) when I was done nursing and back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I have permanent grooves in my shoulders from where my bra straps dig into my skin and muscle. I wear two bras to exercise because if I don't, it is extremely painful. Needless to say, they have pretty much made my life miserable. So, for a L.O.N.G time now, I have been dreaming and wishing that, someday, I will be able to get a breast reduction...

Well guess what? Someday is H.E.R.E!!! On a whim, I asked my Chiropractor at a recent appointment if he would ever recommend that someone get a breast reduction for the sake of their "spinal health."  He said absolutely, and mentioned another patient that he had written a letter of recommendation for  whose insurance paid for her to get the procedure done. So, figuring it would be a long shot, I asked Ben to call our insurance and see if it would be a covered procedure.  They said yes, with prior authorization...(which, quite often, means "no") so we went ahead and scheduled a consultation with a plastic surgeon. He overwhelmingly agreed that it would be beneficial for me and took some notes and pictures which were sent to our insurance company. Well, yesterday, the plastic surgeon's office called me and said that we had actually received the needed prior authorization!! The lady that I talked to said she was very surprised that they approved it, because they seldom do! So now, I am scheduled to have breast reduction surgery on May 30th!!!

I must admit, I am in TOTAL shock...I never dreamed that this wish would ever become a reality...I thought I would have to live with my huge, saggy boobs for the rest of my life...and now, in two weeks, I will be taking out a new lease on life! That's what it feels like anyway.  I haven't been able to buy a bra at a regular store in about 10 years. I can't wear button shirts because they just don't fit right. I have a VERY hard time finding bathing suits or lingerie because they also just don't fit right. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that soon, I will be able to buy a $15 bra from Walmart (as opposed to an $80 +shipping bra from an online store called biggerbras.com where I have to wait 6-8 weeks because the size I need is always on back order...don't even get me started on if it doesn't fit) and wear button shirts and find bathing suits that fit! And, for once, maybe not loathe the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror...

So, needless to say, I am ecstatic about getting this done! However, I am kind of...hesitant to tell my family. I'm not sure why exactly.  I guess I feel like they would judge me...Can anyone explain this to me?? This is something I have wanted FOREVER and it would improve my self image, not to mention relieve me of physical pain. And it's covered by insurance so the cost to us will be minimal...really I have no reason not to do this...so I don't know what my problem is...

So, wish me luck, I guess!! In two weeks I will be a new woman! :D

Sundays...

I need to vent. I kind of hate Sundays. I didn't always hate Sundays. In fact, I used to like them a lot. We would get up, get ourselves and our cute kids ready and head to church where we could feel the spirit and have great lessons. Our ward is full of spiritual, fantastic people. That all changed when Owen was born. He has been my most difficult baby by far. I am at a loss for what to do with him. Our other kids would struggle a little when they were babies at church. It does usually interrupt nap time and the like, but we could always get them to settle down and fall asleep while we were holding them. Not Owen. Church has been one big nightmare since he quit sleeping all the time like a newborn. We got to church early today (which is huge for us!!) and Sacrament meeting hadn't even started before I was out in the hall with the baby. And the more tired he gets, the louder he screams and cries. I fed him, and he was fine while he was eating. He even fell asleep. But as soon as I moved, he woke up and it all started again. We tried bringing his favorite little animal to snuggle with. Didn't work. He won't take a binky, so it's really hard to get him to settle down. I can't even walk through the halls with him because we meet at 11 and there is another ward that is having their class time, so a screaming baby walking through the halls is quite disruptive. And he doesn't cry quietly. This kid's cry actually hurts my ears. It's too cold to go outside with him. There just seems to be no point in going to church anymore. I can't even sit in the foyer and listen over the PA because Owen is just so loud. It's very discouraging and, let's be honest, I don't have very calm, peaceful or spiritual thoughts while I am holding and trying to quiet a shrieking baby. I think we are just going to have to start alternating who gets to go to church with the other kids on Sundays. I just can't do this anymore. I am having very resentful feelings towards my poor little baby who just likes to sleep in his swing in his own room in his own house. I find myself feeling very jealous of the moms whose babies sleep peacefully in their arms during church. Anyone have any brilliant suggestions as to how I can actually go to church and sit through more than 5 minutes?? Any help would be appreciated. Feeling very hopeless right about now...

Diets and Disneyland

So, every year it is my "resolution" to get in better shape, lose weight, be more healthy, yadda, yadda, yadda. And, not surprisingly, every year I fail epically. My sweet husband knows how abysmally unhappy I am in my current body and tries so hard to help motivate me to get my butt in gear and "get 'er done" so to speak. But I still struggle immensely with the motivation to finally get back my high school body. This year, I think we may have found a plan!

I have been bugging and begging Ben for years to take a trip with the kids to Disneyland. True confession: I have an unhealthy obsession with Disneyland. I don't know why...I've only been there a handful of times. I think 5 to be exact. Maybe that's it...anyway...I just love it there. It is so magical to me! There is something truly amazing about walking through those front gates and being transported to another world. I literally feel like a little kid again! I want to run up and hug Mickey and Minnie and whatever other character crosses my path! I love the food and the smells and the sounds! My parents took us all there for Christmas 4 years ago and I cried for at least half of the ride home because I really didn't want to leave. It's my dream to get stuck in the park over night!! Anyway, I digress...I came up with the idea that maybe, as each of our children turn 8 years old, we could take a family trip to Disneyland the month of their birthdays to celebrate. After all, 8 is a pretty special birthday around these parts...super fun tradition, right?!? Well, Evan turns 8 this year...thus our plan was born!

I now have a goal to be at the weight I was when we got married by the beginning of August. I currently have 38 lbs to lose to get there. This is a totally doable goal. However, I have learned something about myself...rewards for me must be tangible. I don't do well with the whole "the feeling is the best reward I could ever have!" thing...I need to have something solid to reach toward, not just a warm fuzzy feeling...

So Ben & I agreed on this deal; if I get to that goal we will take a family trip to Disneyland for Evan's 8th birthday!!! It will be even more cool because that will also be the month that Owen turns 1! What a totally fun 1st/8th birthday, yes?!? I made myself a weight loss chart/graph and it is hanging on my bathroom mirror. For once, I actually feel like I have the motivation to do this!! So, I am asking everyone to please help keep me on track!! This would mean the world to me! But, I need to also ask that, if you see any of my kids, don't say anything about it! Because if I don't achieve this goal, we aren't going and I don't want to break their hearts should the unthinkable happen! Not to mention Evan wouldn't sleep for the next six months if he knew that there was a possibility that we were going to Disneyland. We are planning on waking them up at the crack of dawn and telling them about the trip the morning that we are going to leave! :D

So, here we go! I can do this! I know I can! Please pray for me all the same though!! :)

Food for Thought...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I always try to stop and think of a few things that I am thankful for each year, but I have to admit that I usually take a lot more for granted than I acknowledge my gratitude for. The other day I stumbled across this blog and it knocked me flat on my fanny. I sat in my chair by the window reading the posts on this site and sobbing hysterically. In the aftermath, I find myself much more grateful this year than I have ever been in my life. Because I realize all that I have to be thankful for. This sweet mother who lost her 7 month old baby to a liver disease (I think) puts it so well when she says that she would give anything to have spit up in her hair again. How many times have I lost my temper over stupid things like being spit up on? At least I still have the precious baby that spit up on me!

So, on this Thanksgiving Holiday, I will hug each one of my kids a little tighter. I will breath in the smell of my sweet little Owen as he is snuggled on my shoulder. I will not get frustrated at changing the twelfth poopy diaper of the day, or changing my clothes for the third time after being spit up on. I will cherish every quiet moment I have to hold and rock my little baby who will only be little for so long. I will remember to breathe when something doesn't go quite how I would like it to. I will try really hard not to yell at my kids for doing something that (though it may be irritating) is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things! Most of all, I will remember to thank my gracious Father in Heaven for giving me these four rambunctious, funny, adorable, HEALTHY spirits to raise and enjoy.

I hope you all can take a minute to be thankful for all that you have as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Mother of FOUR...

So, when we found out we were expecting our fourth child...I must admit, I had NO IDEA what was in store! For me, adjusting to the birth of my second child was much more difficult than adjusting to the birth of my third. So, with that in mind, I assumed that adding a fourth would be similar to adding the third...well, we all know what assuming does!! I love my little Owen...but he really likes to be held...and he really likes to suck...but he won't take a binky...so he spends a lot of time sucking on my finger! (I know it's a little weird, but I always make sure my hands are clean and it is often the only thing that will sooth him...whatever works, right??)

I used to feel like I was able to stay on top of household things, like laundry and dishes and vacuuming...NOT ANYMORE!! My laundry room is OVERFLOWING with dirty clothes, the counter top is OVERFLOWING with dirty dishes and my floor is COVERED in dog hair! I can manage to get the clothes clean (with a LOT of help from my laundry fairy, Dillon) but it seems impossible to get it all folded and put away! I can get a load of dishes into the dishwasher and started, but then I cook another meal and the counter fills again before I can get the first batch unloaded and put away. And vacuuming...we won't even go there! My Grandma used to have an embroidered sign that hung in her house that said, "My house was clean yesterday...sorry you missed it!" and it never made much sense to me because I remember her house was always clean! Now I get it! She raised four children too! As I type this, I am holding a squeaking baby and typing with one hand!

So, maybe I will invest in a whole lot of disposable dishes...and maybe we will all just have to wear dirty clothes...at least for the next 6 months or so! Good thing this squeaky baby is so cute! He makes it all worth it!!

He's Finally Here!!

For all of those who don't know, our 4th child, Owen Chance Ellis, joined our family at 1:32 AM on Sept. 27th! He was in a BIG hurry to get here! I woke up feeling my first real contractions shortly after 1 AM and he was born half an hour later! (For the complete story you can go here, trust me, it's worth the read!) He weighed 8 lbs, 6 oz and was 20 inches long. Our biggest baby by almost a pound! He is fitting in very well with our family. All the kids (yes, even Kaylie) love him to pieces! They are always asking if they can hold the baby or touch the baby or kiss the baby. Kaylie calls him "baby Omen" which I think is really adorable, especially in her little helium voice!! :) My recovery is going well. I am currently fighting a UTI, but hopefully once that clears up I will be almost back to normal.

I am feeling very thoughtful the past few days. It's hard to explain my feelings...it's no secret that I pretty much hated being pregnant for the last three months or so, but looking back now, I wish I would have tried to relax and enjoy it just a little more. After all, I'll probably never get that chance again. We are ready to move on to the next stage of our lives, raising and teaching and enjoying our kiddos as they grow, but the baby stage is done now. I am really grateful that we decided to do HypnoBirthing this time around. Owen's birth was such an amazing, spiritual, intimate, empowering experience. I truly wish I could have done that with all of my other babies! I wish I could have experienced this labor/delivery for a little bit longer than I did (32 mins isn't very long to labor!) just to say that I got to use some of the amazing relaxation techniques that I learned and to really take control of my body. I almost feel like I cheated a little bit and didn't have to work for this baby! :) But I wouldn't trade this experience for the world and Owen is such a perfect result! I am having a hard time letting go of this experience. My HypnoBirthing practice schedule is still up on my fridge. I can't bring myself to take down the friendly reminder to relax daily and practice my breathing and to work with my husband regularly to achieve the most favorable outcome possible from this labor. I was so excited to be done...and now I find myself crying because I don't want to let go...(stupid hormones)!

So, the long and short of this post I guess...Through this experience I have learned that I am a strong person and I can do hard things! I birthed a baby on the living room floor! (If you didn't click on the link and read the story, you missed all that!) Owen is a perfect little blessing from a very loving Heavenly Father. I hope I can live up to His trust and expectations by raising a strong little boy, a worthy Missionary, and a caring, devoted husband and father. I hope he turns out to be like his own Dad who stood right by my side through this whole thing. I love you Ben. And I love you too, Owen! I am so excited to get to know you!